Blowing Off Steam

I need to vent. Bad.

So I decided we should have a diaper party. Me. No one else. I was going to throw one for just Paul and the guys but figured it would be more fun if me and my -2 friends could come, too. So we're having a party this weekend. Do we have the money? I don't know. Has anyone RSVPed? No. Am I pissed? Yes. Am I offended? Yes. Will anyone actually show up besides my parents? I don't know. Will I have enough food if people do decide to come? I don't know. Will I be spending more money on throwing this thing than what I'll get out of it? More than likely. Am I thrilled about having to make my own cake and food? No. Is my house going to take forever to clean? Yes.

And Paul finally got his orders yesterday for deployment. Even though my parents will be with me when Benton is born, I am still scared shitless to have him gone. I want him here. I can't stop crying every day when I think about it. Literally, every day I cry now. I don't want him to go. We tried so hard and so freaking long for this day to get here. And when it does, he's going to be gone. I feel this big empty hole in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. There's always the possibility of webcam or video taping. But it's not the same. I want him here to catch the baby. To cry with me. To laugh with me. To love with me. But he's not. And I'm fucking pissed and scared and a million other emotions at once. And again, I'm crying.

I'm scared to death to bring Benton home. I'm going to be alone. My husband won't be here to stop my crying. And I know for a fact that that's all I'll do. I have to go a whole year of raising a child by myself - when I'm married! I don't want to. I don't want my husband to miss all of his firsts and some of his lasts. He will never be this little again and Paul won't be here to experience it.

I want to rip my hair out right now. I'm crying. I need a hug but can't get one. I want to crawl into bed and let the world go on without me for a little while. I'm stressed to the max. This sucks.