I can't do this anymore.

I give up. I have no hope left and I'm tired of trying.

I've "given up" before, but always in the back of my mind I still have hope. Not anymore. Not even an inkling.

I don't care. Well, I do care. I... I don't know. I feel like we're getting nowhere real quick and in a hurry. Do I want to be a mom this bad, and right now? I keep starting to have more and more doubts in the back of my mind. Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe there's another "plan" for me. I don't know.

I've been thinking alot lately and maybe it's the fact that I'm overweight, also. I haven't had a single doctor tell me that was the issue but I'm 80 pounds overweight. I know that's gotta be causing part of the problem. Maybe we should put off this whole baby-making idea until I lose weight. It may be ten years from now, but it might be the solution to the problem.

Maybe I'm just going stir crazy. Maybe I'm right. Who knows? This is all just getting to be too hard and I can't do it anymore. I give up.

First Cycle of Chlomid

Day 1 started on Sunday the 21st. On days 5-9 I take 3 pills a day of Chlomid to try to get me to ovulate. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday, April 5. Not much else has happened. "Practice makes perfect," and that's about it. I should have more eventful and exciting news after my ultrasound.

Ultrasound #2

I had my second ultrasound on Thurday. Paul didn't get to go because he couldn't get out of work.

The news wasn't good. Doc did the ultrasound, told me to get dressed, and left the room. He comes back in a little while later and tells me we're not doing the procedure this month. I didn't produce as many eggs as he would like for one, and for two, he doesn't think I'm even ovulating.

That was a blow below the belt.

He prescribed me Medroxyprogesterone. I take it for ten days and then my period will start. On day once of my cycle I have to call the doctor. He's going to prescribe me Chlomid and I have to do that for a few cycles to try to get me to ovulate.

All of the current procedures are getting billed to Tricare and the Scott and White business office is giving us the $1100 back. The money we raised from donations and fundraising will go into savings until we need to pay for the next procedure.

So if I ovulate, we can either a) conceive naturally or b) try the IUI.

If I don't, my gut feeling is telling me we have to do IVF. It's approximately $7000.

As I left my appointment, I choked back tears as I entered the elevator. When I got home, I told Paul, and he just kind of stared into space. He didn't say to much. Later that night we were in the kitchen and I cried on his shoulder for about 10 minutes. Since Thursday he hasn't been his normal self. I don't like it.

I wish things would just work out for us. Why can't we be normal? This sucks so bad. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I want to give up so bad, but we've worked too hard to quit now.

Why me? Why us?

Ultrasound

Man it hurts spending $1100 on something you have no clue as to what the outcome will be. I almost cried. Ok, not literally, but still. It's not fun spending that much money.

So we had the ultrasound. So far the doctor thinks I "could have more" follicles so he had the nurse give me another shot of Menopur. I go back on Thursday the 4th at 3. Hopefully I'll be Fertile Myrtle. Hahaha!

...But he did mention something. He said "If you don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm going to probably double your Chlomid and give you Menopur shots on days 5, 7, and 9. I'll put you full throttle." Paul and I are hoping that if he doesn't think I have as many follicles as I can produce by the end of the week, then maybe he won't want to go ahead with the procedure. Then we can try again next month using the maximum amount of medication. Then we won't have to pay the $1100 again. Just pay for the medication again. Decisions, decisions. That might sound like a VERY good option. We're already breaking the bank.

But yeah. That's all we know for now. Will know more Thursday. Hopefully I won't be so nervous. Now that I've already had one appointment, the second one doesn't seem so terrifying... yet.